


Bullseye's Pretentious Coffee

by warmcuppatea



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, also ft. store manager zayn, assets and protection security guard niall, bullseye's playground, i think this could be considered crack so, lots of coffee, team lead liam, tw: complicated starbucks orders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 13:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20228251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warmcuppatea/pseuds/warmcuppatea
Summary: Louis is a barista at Target Starbucks, and Harry is the annoying customer who is Louis' final straw. Pun intended.





	Bullseye's Pretentious Coffee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelichl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelichl/gifts).

> So... this is a thing.
> 
> Inspired slightly by real life events, slightly [by this post](https://angelichl.tumblr.com/post/160202749939/coffee-shop-au-fic), and mostly by the fact that Adri is an actual angel who wrote my prompt for HL Summer Exchange as a pinch hitter, and I found out she didn't get a work written for her. So this is inspired by my real life as a barista, snooping on her tumblr, and the fact that I want to quit my job daily. Sorry this is so short, but I am so thankful not only for the fic you wrote for me, but for all the amazing works you produce for our fandom. Thank you thank you ily!

Really, Louis didn’t think it was possible to hate his life more than he did right now. 

Starbucks would be  _ fun _ , his store manager insisted.  _ They need help, and you’re so personable. _ Louis always found it hard to say no to Zayn, so he agreed. Five months later and his work life felt like a dumpster fire that he was purposefully starting, in hopes of the entire store being burnt down so he wouldn’t have to work anymore. For most, Target was a place of joy, where hopes and dreams come true. Louis was  _ not _ ‘most’. He had caramel drizzle in unmentionable places, a cramp from getting too many cake pops for annoying, screaming children, and he was about to have to run to the back and get more ice. He didn’t think his day could get any worse. 

“Venti caramel mocha frappuccino, no whip and no caramel for  _ Jordan _ . Yes, there you go love. Enjoy! Have a nice day!” Louis said, sliding the frappuccino over, fake smile plastered on his face as he watched her take a sip and  _ ahh _ over it. Once she wasn't looking, his face dropped completely. “Which would make it  _ just _ a mocha frappuccino, but maybe brain cells will be on the menu tomorrow...” He muttered under his breath, stomping back towards the register. “What can I get for you?” Louis drawled, voice monotone, as he punched his employee ID into the computer, eyes staring at the keypad to avoid the face of his next customer.

“Hi! Hope you’re having a wonderful day.” 

_ Actually _ , Louis thought to himself,  _ I’m not having a wonderful day. It’s cold as fuck in this store. I’ve been busy and have had to piss since the second I walked in. Somehow, my manager expects me to keep this place clean, make drinks, ring in orders, and entertain you all by myself for just over minimum wage. I am actually dying on the inside. My coffee hasn’t hit my grouchy soul yet, I left my cigarettes at home, and if I get even one more person who orders a drink with more than one modification, I’m either going to scream or cry or both. _

“What can I get started for you.” He repeated, this time looking up, his face full of disdain.

The man in front of him didn’t seem to notice that if looks could kill, he would be dead. “Hi! Can I please get a venti iced caramel vanilla decaf latte with an extra shot, half almond milk and half coconut milk - I know, it sounds  _ crazy _ , but I swear it’s  _ so _ good! - light whipped cream - since, I’m allergic, but  _ treat yourself! -  _ with a dash of cinnamon and some caramel drizzle on top?” Louis inhaled fist clenching by his side a lot like the Arthur meme, but apparently, this man wasn't done. “Oh! And no ice. I have sensitive teeth. So… Iced, with no ice. That’s it.”

Louis just sighed, grabbing his Sharpie from the pocket of his apron. “Oh. Is that it?” He said, brows raising. 

He grinned, nodding as he pulled his curly hair into a bun, tying it with a hair tie from his wrist. “Yes. And the name is Harry. H-A-R-R-Y.”

Louis felt his teeth grinding as he wrote out  _ HARRY _ at the top of the cup, before slamming it onto the counter. “You know what? No.” 

The man -  _ Harry _ \- frowned a little. “No?” He asked, not seeming to understand.

“Yes. No. Go fuck yourself, actually. ‘M literally over here, trying to just make enough money to have extra after I pay my bills to buy some fucking weed. The last thing I need is your dairy-free-with-whip-caramel-no-ice-vanilla piece of shit ruining my life. I have,” He leaned over to see past the obnoxious giant Harry was, “ _ Nine _ people in line behind you. Who also are going to order like your sole purpose on this planet is ruining my life. And the  _ last _ thing I will do is put whip on this gross, lukewarm excuse you call a  _ latte _ , just so you can have cosmic diarrhea all night and complain that I poisoned you or something. And don’t even get me  _ started _ about how much you’re about to bitch and moan when I ring up your drink and you can’t  _ believe _ how expensive it is.”

Harry was quiet for a second. “Well, I was actually planning on using my Star Reward…” He said, and Louis could feel the hairs on his arms standing up. “And you forgot to say decaf.”

“And that’s another thing!” Louis slammed the sharpie on the counter, leaning closer to Harry. “Why the  _ fuck _ do you need an extra shot if your drink is fucking decaf?”

The man behind Harry rolled his eyes a bit. “Can you have a crisis  _ after _ you make my chai tea?”

Harry seemed to finally come up with his reasoning. “Well, because I like the way it tastes. And it’s,” He glanced down at his watch. A  _ real _ watch. What a fucking hipster. “Three thirty five. I’ll be up for  _ forever  _ if I drink caffeine now, but I really have been craving it.”

“That - That is  _ actually _ the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day, which is really fucking impressive, considering Jordan and her caramel mocha frapuccino with no caramel.” Louis said, shaking his head as he began to untie his apron.

Harry frowned. “What are you-”

“I fucking quit! You people are some crazy mother fuckers, like  _ what the fuck is wrong with you! _ I’m so fucking over this. I’m going home to drink and smoke a blunt and become homeless, because that sounds better than your  _ fucking  _ latte,  _ H A R R Y.”  _ He snarled, slamming his apron on the counter.

Like clockwork, he could see the Team Lead, Liam, hurrying over. “Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry about Louis,” Liam said, hastily pushing Louis out from behind the counter. “He’s late for his break, and a bit cranky. What can I get for you today?”

Louis grumbled, taking off his hairnet and catapulting it at Liam’s head. “Go ahead and  _ try _ to understand Curly’s order. You don’t even work back here.” He said, before storming off towards the door.

Harry had the decency to seem a bit embarrassed, ducking out of line and letting the angry man behind him go. “Hey, uh, Louis! Wait!”

Louis turned around, brows raised. “I swear, if you say a fucking  _ word _ about coffee-” He said, looking around him. Bullseye’s Playground was a mess - good thing it wasn't his job to fix. “I’ll climb up on Bullseye and literally jump into this pile of fucking  _ teacher shit _ , taking my own life.”

Harry glanced at Bullseye, and back at Louis. “No.. I was going to ask if maybe, you wanted to get dinner sometime… Sometime, as in tonight?”

Louis scanned Harry’s face, and noticed his eyes were fixed on Louis’ bisexual bee shirt. “Oh.” He said, voice lightening. “A date?” He asked cautiously.

Harry nodded. “Yeah? You, uh, sound like you could use some relaxation. I make a pretty mean spaghetti, and Bachelor in Paradise is on tonight, and I might have a blunt rolled at my apartment?”

If possible, Louis felt like he was falling in love. “I want to say yes, but then I remember the monstrosity you just tried to order,” Louis explained. “It’s like you’re trying to kill baristas everywhere.”

“I’ll never order it again.” Harry said quickly, making some hand gesture that Louis guessed was supposed to mean scouts honor.

“Okay, if you promise.” 

“Even though it tastes  _ amazing _ .” Harry tacked on, before linking his arm in Louis’. 

Louis’ eyes widened. “Help.” He lamented lamely, but followed Harry towards the automated exit doors. “He’s kidnapping me and threatening to drink pretentious coffee.”

Niall, one of the assets and protection agents who was stationed by the door, laughed as he tried to calm a guest. “Ma’am, I promise, he’s fine. That’s his boyfriend. They pull this shit every fucking week. Some sort of wild foreplay or something.”

All Louis could do was smirk, as he dragged Harry out of the store.

  
_ fin. _

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha this was the weirdest thing I've ever written. It's like fanfiction and a journal entry all at once.
> 
> [come say hi to me on tumblr](https://hlplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
